As I walked down the colorful, diverse streets of downtown Hamilton, the sun in my eyes, my hands in my pockets, I tried to imagine the lives of those around me. A young girl sitting in the dirt beneath a tree. Her hair unbrushed, and her clothes looking as though she hadn’t changed them in a few days. I continued walking by, feeling a sadness inside of me.
“Have any change?” I looked over to the man with broken teeth sitting on the pavement. I dug my hands into my pocket, leaving a smile on my face. I lifted out whatever I had left, about five dollars in loonies and quarters. I handed him my change, we exchanged some polite thank yous and you’re welcomes, and I went on with my day and him with his.
This happened over a week ago, and I wasn’t interested in writing about it. I wasn’t interested in people telling me how nice that was, or people thinking I was looking for people to tell me how nice I am. I did it for selfish reasons, but not to gain attention. I did it because I want people to continue to do nice things in this world, because I want to experience it for myself, should the situation ever arise when I need some kindness. I did it because it hurt my heart to walk by and ignore this man. Because I couldn’t lie and say “Sorry I don’t have any” knowing I was just going to spend that money on a snack, with my cupboards and fridge at home filled with food that this man may not have.
People tell me I’m just looking for praise when I help people. They think I want to help people in Africa because I want to be better then everyone else. And it is because of these assumptions that I’d like to make a formal “Fuck you” letter.
Dear Cunts;
Fuck you. Fuck you for trying to make what I do a bad thing because you’re too much of a cunt to do it. Fuck you for being such a greedy fuck and looking down at me cause I’m not. Fuck you.
Fuck you for thinking I would want anything from you. I don’t want your fucking praise. I don’t want you to fucking thank me for being a kind fucking person. I want you to do the fucking same. Fucking give some money to the person on the street. Donate to charity. Fucking go to Africa and help all those less fortunate. Fuck, just do something!
And fuck you, if you’re too busy. Fuck you, if you can’t spare a fucking dollar or two. Fuck you if you think I’m asking too much. Fuck you if you think kindness has limits.
Thanks for being such a fucking cunt. Fuck you.
I can do more, and I plan to do more. Right now, I need to selfishly focus on myself though. Getting my top surgery and ensuring I can live a long life and help people during that time. I always think I can do better, and of course I feel I’m doing bare minimum with what I have. You are going to see me with a new tattoo, or new clothes and think I’m a hypocrite. Fact is, I do enjoy doing things for myself, but I think it’s important we do that. We need to do what makes us happy.
I’m not saying to empty your bank account. I’m not saying not to buy that new car you’ve been dreaming of. I’m just saying to help people. To be a kind person. To make an effort to always be better. Set aside some money each month and at the end of the year, donate it. That’s what I am going to do, once I don’t have to save all this money for surgery. I know the tattoo may sound confusing - since I’m trying to save for top surgery, but I need something to spoil myself with, because I haven’t spent any of my money on myself in over a year.
So don’t confuse what I’m saying. Don’t turn this shit upside down and inside out and pretend that I’m being an asshole. I’ve got plenty compared to most people in the world. I know that. But if I’m going to donate to charity, what good is it going to do if I donate my top surgery money and kill myself because I had to start over? Do you get what I’m saying? This is like a life or death thing with my sanity. I need whatever will prolong my life so I can in fact do what I want to do, to help others.
What’s wrong with a little change?
Do you want to be a parent why or why not?
Yes
Why?
Not because of that bullshit people spew that life is meaningless without kids.
But because I want my own kids, who I can fuck up and release into society. I’m just kidding. But seriously, I’m not really sure. I mean to be honest I may not have kids ever, but I do want to be a parent.
We become parents for selfish reasons. Unconditional love, someone to care for, so we don’t feel guilty about living a childless life, or we adopt to feel like we’re helping. In the end we do it all for us, not for the kids. Tell yourself lies, but in the end this is the simple truth.
The question is, why do people actually have to answer this? Admittedly if you said to get money from welfare, or whatever service, that’s pretty fucked up and you shouldn’t have kids. But regardless, you can’t stop people from having babies, which is sad since so many people should not have them!
I however, with the way I am with my nephews, believe I would be a good parent, and not screw my kids up that much… because every parent screws their kid up in some little way.
That is the best answer you’re going to get out of me.
Tomorrow has to be the day. I’m making it the day. The day I realize my life style is not healthy and I do something about it. Working out is a priority now. I’ll be doing a 5 mile walk tomorrow, or a short run depending on the weather. As well as a 30 minute workout at night before bed, and some yoga. I’ll be continuing veganism, and taking my calcium supplements.
It’s so important I follow through. I have no choice here. I won’t fall victim to my health.
This is apparently a fact. I look like a straight guy.
Now I thought, okay that’s good, at least people see me as a guy, but then I remember…
I’m gay.
So this works because fact is a lot of gay guys like less feminine guys. That of course is just the majority, which sucks for feminine guys and especially for feminine trans guys.
Why this doesn’t work for me? When seen with girls, people think I am their boyfriend. Uh-oh. Yeah, this is an oh fuck moment. If guys see me as straight, why pursue me? The only chance they would get is in a gay bar. But, if I go in a gay bar, I risk looking like a butch lesbian and not getting the guys, but rather girls, again.
Now I know I usually say I’m bi or fluid. Sexually, yes. But romantically… not so much. I want a boyfriend, I don’t want a girlfriend. I want to fuck girls as one night stands, and that is it. I mean it changes sometimes, if the girl is fucking amazing and butch and not a lesbian, then yes I could see myself having a relationship, but its rare for me to find a girl I’d want to date.
Onto the boys. I love them. I want to fuck em, and date em.
I tell people I’m gay because its easy. I don’t say I’m bi unless I have interest in the girl, as its a very complex subject. I don’t like explaining shit over and over again, because you tell someone you’re bi, they think you want to fuck everyone under the sun.
Someone I met told me they thought I was straight when they met me. Another person thought I was some girls boyfriend, and all I was doing was sitting across from her. It’s weird…
I like that people can see me as male the majority of the time, only being almost 2 years on T, but it sucks because I see so many guys and I feel like they don’t see me as an option. If girls find me cute, you think guys would too…
I know we all wish people wouldn’t judge people and assume straight or gay, but people do it and thats why I’m trying to figure out how to make it known. Besides the pride tattoo I’m getting - which people may not even see as gay, lol. Fun…
GAY GAY GAY
The above article is an update. Her mother went to appeal to keep her out of the psychiatric ward and lost. She will be institutionalized because of her expression of her gender. She will be held until she conforms to male gender and then released to foster care, not her mother who was supporting her.
Please, if you haven’t signed the petition, sign it, reblog it, ask your friends to sign it. We’ve managed to get 40K signatures for a pageant model, we’ve only gotten 11K for a little girl about to have her life ruined. Lets get on the ball and spread the word.
I literally just repeated the f-word until I ran out of breath.
Let me catch my breath. I may go on a cursing spree again as soon as I get it back.
Seriously people…
WHY THE FUCK AREN’T PEOPLE REBLOGGING THIS??
this is actually disgusting
First the girls who steal from a 9 year old, now I have to reblog something like this? Wtf is wrong with this world??
(via matbroome1996)
ಠ_ಠ
SOMEBODY QUICK, make sure these girls are not allowed to have children. Tie their tubes, fucking force them to have a hysterectomy! OMG! Who are their parents? Did they never learn about empathy? Fucking gross…
I wanted to tell all the people I’ve met, about this amazing event that will occur next year, in about 9 months. Birth.
No, I’m not pregnant and have not gotten anyone pregnant - those are two options in which I do not have. I do not have a lover who is pregnant. My siblings, my mom, my friends, nobody I know is pregnant.
This is the pregnancy in which I will be born.
Confused?
Late February 2013, I am booking my top surgery. I am going to try for Thursday February 21st. Why this date? Because that is that day I was actually born! On a Thursday, February 21st 1991.
So why call this pregnancy?
Well this is the moment leading up to my birth. A birth of a new me. Now it’s not to say top surgery is what will make me a man. It is however the final step in my transition. This is it! This is going to be me, officially seeing myself as male, as right now it’s hard with these lumps on my chest. I don’t want to make you think that if you have them you are not, but for me, I will never feel whole unless they are removed. I will never feel like a real man because when I look in the mirror I can’t see past the dysphoria.
I wanted this to be a time to celebrate with friends and family. However I do not wish to out myself to everyone. If people were to ask if I was trans, I would never deny it. If they assume I’m cis, I accept it as a pass and fuck informing them, if I am not fucking or dating you, I see no need to inform you on my biology. I am proud of who I am, but I have no interest in going around and screaming it from rooftops. Same as I only tell people my sexuality if they ask or are interested in fucking/dating me. I always tell the truth when it comes to who I am as a person.
Anyways, welcome to the pregnancy, and the birth of me.
This Saturday I’ll be spending the entire day in Toronto, which may not sound bad to the average every day cis person who doesn’t have to think about this shit, but as a trans person washrooms are a big issue and constantly come into question. I can’t use the womens washroom, fact is I pass - about 90+% of the time. But for those few times that I don’t pass, I worry what could happen.
Now on the plus side, I’ll be using the washrooms on Church Street, which is by far the most queer friendly space I’ve ever heard of in Canada, or at least Ontario. It’s called the GAY VILLAGE, how much safer can it be? So I feel pretty relaxed, but this also means having an STP in all day - because I don’t like to carry it around in my pocket from the tubing, so I generally keep it in my pants, and it can get rather uncomfortable. This however also means I can pee outside… should the occasion arise.
I still have NEVER been into the mens washroom to take a leak though. So I feel a bit weird about knowing my first time is so close to happening. I mean, I plan to use a stall, because fuck urinals and the possibility of a guy looking. - I say that because I probably would glance over at the person beside me.
Anyone have any bathroom tips? Besides do not stare at other guys cocks, lol?
OMG! Fucking look at it! It is beautiful! I am legally recognized as a male now! I can legally, give a big fuck you to everyone! Also this means I will be getting a MALE passport tomorrow! Fucking amazing. I am happy. This is bliss!
If you’re religious how do your views effect being trans if you’re not religious what about your family religions?
Lol.
I’m a non-believer and non-religious. My mom recently became the same, because she realized in a world where an all loving god existed, child rape would not, and if god is all powerful but will not do shit, and this is his plan, then why worship him? My dad is not religious, I think he is a theist, although he switches to agnostic every so often… I am not really sure. My sister is an atheist, her boyfriend is an ex Jehovah - recent atheist and although he claims to be a homophobe, he said my trans thing made sense, it would make sense if my sister was too… weird. I do not like him though… anyways.
The only religious person who I still talk to in my family is my half sister and to be honest she does not really follow her religion too closely and is fine about the trans thing, she is accepting, and does not seem to have any negative views, just the average cis views about certain things. - Not to say I do not to talk to family who is religious, my family just fell apart, that is all.
So awesome, the people I have met think I’m a cis guy. However it makes it weird because we all talk sex - and that goes into the idea I have a cock. I mean I guess I just have a smaller version, without all the specific male functions. But its weird for me, so I just blush and laugh.
I had a real good time tonight though, and a new friend I made, seems to really want to do/date me, lol. But she’s a chick… and not a chick that looks like a dude, so it’s not of my interest. And usually chicks who look like dudes are into chicks, so also not my type. She’s friends with a ton of gay guys though, and it appears she does think I’m a guy. Because I know before I said I was bothered because I swore she said ‘she’ but then sometimes people use female pronouns for gay guys. It’s weird, and they shouldn’t. But I didn’t want to be wrong and correct something I misheard.
Anyways I have an appointment with my endocrinologist in the morning. I can’t wait to tell him I’m passing on whole new levels, to the point where people make assumptions about my cock. It’s fucking great. I mean its not how people should react, not all guys have them, but I don’t really want to be seen as trans. Which is why I’m really worried somebody from my trans group may out me, by accident.
I’m also going to a trans only social, which is crazy. That is next weekend though! Maybe I’ll meet some hot trans guys, lol… although the gay ones are hard to find. I’m remaining stealth to the people I met, but I don’t feel its anyone’s business to know whats in my pants. Make assumptions all you want, but I won’t tell. When I said I’m not impotent, it is true. I can get a boner, I get them all the time, lol, they just are not noticeable to people.
Tonight was crazy, and I’m too tired to spell check this post and make sure it makes sense. Maybe tomorrow. Stay tuned for more, my life is finally starting to get interesting, lol.
How do you feel about the trans laws where you live?
Well speaking from personal experience, they are pretty advanced laws. Name change is done fairly easily, no court hearing. Sex change on drivers licence is done by submitting a letter - no surgeries needed. Legal sex change on birth certificate, is currently being changed so that surgeries are no longer required.
Sadly there are still no specific laws that state you cannot fire a person for being trans, it has happened. There is also the issue where trans women can lose their kids in court, because of transitioning. Laws are not helping them have a fair trial. Also to have surgery covered you have to go through a place called CAMH - at least if you live in Ontario, and it is not a trans friendly environment. For ftms, to have a hysterectomy covered, you must still have the letter F on your birth certificate.
Ontario is alright, not the best, but better than most!
For those who pay attention to the things I actually post, and to my future self who’s looking back and reading this, you may have noticed I’ve been going through a slight rough patch lately. With top surgery hopefully in February, I am getting impatient and experiencing a lot of dysphoria. After an incident where I didn’t pass, I wanted to curl up inside my closet and remain there for the rest of my life.
So while my body is being eaten by mosquitoes, and while I watch my neighbor weed her driveway in the dark, I prepare for another day of “Does this shirt make me look flat” and know that I’ll never be ready for the pain that follows when I realize I’ll never be flat enough without surgery. It’s too painful to get used to.
To remain positive, I’ve decided to focus on fitness and hope my brain tunes out my bodies obvious flaws and female form. I’ve got a lot to do to get into shape before my surgery. I’m going to be hiking more, going for walks and runs, and working out at home. I’m hoping some others join me in this, but if I have to do this alone, so be it. I bought some new running shoes, exercise equipment, and hope to instill a new more positive approach, like perhaps the thinner I get, the less my curves will show.
Good luck to anyone else going through the same shit. Just remember that nothing gets better, if you don’t make an effort to make it better!